NYAPRS Note: NYAPRS’ Molly Donahue explores some of the intricacies of dating with a mental health diagnosis in the below article. The importance of relationships and intimate partners is not always attended to in discussions of personal advocacy and well-being; recognizing the role that healthy relationships have in each of our lives is an important part of realizing our liberation and meaningful community involvement. At this year’s conference, join the always popular evening event “How to Meet and Mingle”, at 7:15 on Wednesday, 9/17, with facilitators Amy Colesante and Bill Gamble. Learn or refresh interpersonal skills that will help you build the foundations for new friendships or partnerships. Register for the conference today—only a few weeks left!
Dating With a Diagnosis
NYAPRS; Maureen Donahue, 8/26/2014
Molly Pohlig, in her recent editorial at Slate, candidly describes what it is like to date and build relationships as a person living with a mental illness. Both thoughtful and sincere, the editorial raises the question of when, if at all, in the course of a relationship is the ideal time to disclose a diagnosis. It’s a predicament we can all identify with – whether that diagnosis is mental or physical, or the disclosure is health related or something else entirely. A single parent debates the best time to introduce their child to a new suitor, and a Star Trek enthusiast hides their extensive memorabilia collection until the relationship matures to a next level of trust.
Pohlig cleverly avoids answering her own question by relating her successes and missteps of past relationships. Unfortunately, a playbook with all the secrets to dating carefully described doesn’t exist. (But, for those interested in learning a few tips and strategies for breaking the ice, join us at the NYAPRS 32nd Annual Conference!) When should you tell your significant other about your mental illness? The answer is, frustratingly, “it depends.” On what does it depend? On you own personal identity, recovery, and comfort.
An article on Health.com [link] counsels to “never tell on the first date.” Pohlig, who lives with depression, anxiety, OCD, and borderline personality disorder, says she isn’t ashamed of her conditions and has both told partners up front, and years into a relationship. But she does makes a distinction in her essay between her logical self and her mentally ill self. Her identity includes a self that she can safely present to the world, and a second self that requires some explanation and further understanding. The difficult parts of her are explained away by an illness, while the pleasant, good parts of her identity exist separately.
I prefer to see myself as whole, where a part of me does not cease to exist if my symptoms are controlled or mild. Mental illness labels are just that: labels, ways of categorically identifying ourselves in relation to other people. My identity includes my diagnosis, as well as my dietary preferences, my religious affiliation, and my football team allegiance. If someone wants to make a genuine connection with me, they need to know a little about my illness. It has influenced my growth and development just as much as my year living abroad, or my collegiate athletic career (two topics I never feel shame or embarrassment when discussing with a new friend). I see an end to stigma if the conversations happen early and often. For me, hiding my diagnosis implies I find it shameful, and that’s not how I feel.
Pohlig and I are in different stages of our recovery, and see our illnesses in different ways. There is no one answer to when the both of us should disclose a diagnosis because what might be good for Pohlig may not be good for me. The only answer, then, is that there isn’t a set, definitive answer.
I am a strong proponent of having open and honest conversations about mental health, but I think you’re allowed to withhold in the early stages of a relationship. It’s important to protect and care for yourself, and for others. Pohlig says, “I would love to feel I could keep my mental illness under wraps until I was comfortable with someone, as if it were a hobby like collecting international Barbie dolls. But that seems both unfair and dangerous. Having a panic attack in front of someone unprepared is not great for building trust.”
The discussion of mental illness and dating has the potential to meander into the overarching issues of stigma, misunderstanding, and societal norms. Pohlig identifies online dating sites specifically for people with mental illness. One site states, “We are a welcoming community that understands the trials and pitfalls of managing a mental illness”. And yet, the very existence of distinct, separate dating websites for people with mental illness only strengthens the notion that mental illness is not normal.
While it may be that a peer has a unique understanding of mental illness, it is unfair to assume that only peers have the capacity to love you. It’s not too much to ask that a potential life partner be able to see all of you, understand your specific needs, and love you unconditionally (and not love you in spite of your diagnosis). “In spite of” – the common and preposterous colloquial phrase that identifies mental illness as a qualification for not deserving love.